This Ridiculous Month
Mar. 30th, 2012 12:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shiroi_tenI just need to mope. Here shall be my damp, dark, moping corner where my head is prime mushroom growing space.
I've been disappointing myself over and over and over again this month. I feel inadequate and petty and useless and powerless and lost and miserable and in between it all. Stuck in that moment from leaving and arriving and confused and horrible at directions and all the people you ask tell you you're not good enough for help, and that even though they won't accept you its not you personally, just that they don't want to give you directions.
The thing is I know its my fault. I didn't, don't really deserve the chances because I hadn't worked hard enough for them. There is no one to blame but myself, and I am horrible at dealing with feelings that I buy pretty things and eat food and wish them away. This is where I wish I was a better person.
So I have to come to terms with how I didn't make it to the state tournament, how I didn't get into the colleges I wanted to, how I have no idea what I'm doing in the badminton team, how I can't be kind to my friends when I just want to stay home and read fic and watch Avatar and wallow. How I am horrible with people and have expectations that are much too high.
On a tangent-my mother has been learning how to read palms and faces and do that thing where you look at birthdates and figure out your affinity, etc. And creepily enough, IT'S APT. Well, duh there is a reason why Asians have been doing this for centuries, but woah. So my mom and I rarely talk, and then she tells me that someone likes me and I am not accepting their feelings because I have standards that are too high. And a few months ago someone had confessed to me and well, that should be over by now. So. While on this mother segue, I got into a fight with her about CONGEE. Asian porridge. That I didn't want to eat(because she said dim sum and I got my hopes up), and said condescendingly because hello mother I have never liked congee! Then we wait in the cold and get seated and she storms off because she doesn't understand why my dad sides with me.
That pretty much reminded me of why I want to go somewhere far from home. Its either...UC santa cruz(known for drugs and stuff) or Willamette in salem, oregon. Where meese, the plural form of moose, live. This my friend insists as my choices were thusly narrowed by rejections. I don't even want to visit them because I just had some hopes and dreams crushed. I'm reading Invisible Man and I just. If I read it it will break my heart to have his ideals and goals broken and analyzed and scrutinized and changed. Sometimes reading just hits too close to home and I have to take a break. Like when I read the Glass Menagerie. So I don't imagine myself important enough to have an existentialist crisis. I'm just going to buy expensive makeup and leave it at that. Maybe read some scifi/YA/fantasy and Archy and Mehitabel. idk. But my friends and I are going to wallow in cake and it will be momentarily sweet, until I have to answer all the questions about where I will go, apologize discreetly for disappointing the teachers that wrote me recommendations, and deal with this. .
Note to self: finish drawing for sherlock reverse bang you lazy bum
I've been disappointing myself over and over and over again this month. I feel inadequate and petty and useless and powerless and lost and miserable and in between it all. Stuck in that moment from leaving and arriving and confused and horrible at directions and all the people you ask tell you you're not good enough for help, and that even though they won't accept you its not you personally, just that they don't want to give you directions.
The thing is I know its my fault. I didn't, don't really deserve the chances because I hadn't worked hard enough for them. There is no one to blame but myself, and I am horrible at dealing with feelings that I buy pretty things and eat food and wish them away. This is where I wish I was a better person.
So I have to come to terms with how I didn't make it to the state tournament, how I didn't get into the colleges I wanted to, how I have no idea what I'm doing in the badminton team, how I can't be kind to my friends when I just want to stay home and read fic and watch Avatar and wallow. How I am horrible with people and have expectations that are much too high.
On a tangent-my mother has been learning how to read palms and faces and do that thing where you look at birthdates and figure out your affinity, etc. And creepily enough, IT'S APT. Well, duh there is a reason why Asians have been doing this for centuries, but woah. So my mom and I rarely talk, and then she tells me that someone likes me and I am not accepting their feelings because I have standards that are too high. And a few months ago someone had confessed to me and well, that should be over by now. So. While on this mother segue, I got into a fight with her about CONGEE. Asian porridge. That I didn't want to eat(because she said dim sum and I got my hopes up), and said condescendingly because hello mother I have never liked congee! Then we wait in the cold and get seated and she storms off because she doesn't understand why my dad sides with me.
That pretty much reminded me of why I want to go somewhere far from home. Its either...UC santa cruz(known for drugs and stuff) or Willamette in salem, oregon. Where meese, the plural form of moose, live. This my friend insists as my choices were thusly narrowed by rejections. I don't even want to visit them because I just had some hopes and dreams crushed. I'm reading Invisible Man and I just. If I read it it will break my heart to have his ideals and goals broken and analyzed and scrutinized and changed. Sometimes reading just hits too close to home and I have to take a break. Like when I read the Glass Menagerie. So I don't imagine myself important enough to have an existentialist crisis. I'm just going to buy expensive makeup and leave it at that. Maybe read some scifi/YA/fantasy and Archy and Mehitabel. idk. But my friends and I are going to wallow in cake and it will be momentarily sweet, until I have to answer all the questions about where I will go, apologize discreetly for disappointing the teachers that wrote me recommendations, and deal with this. .
Note to self: finish drawing for sherlock reverse bang you lazy bum
